Scottish Jokes

3 guys, 1 Irish, 1 English and 1 Scottish, are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total" says the Genie. The Irish guy says "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish. The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity". Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall. "The Genie explains "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water."
A student at an English university, by name of Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye, who was living in the hall of residence in his first year there. After he had been there for a month, his mother came to visit, no doubt carrying reinforcements of oatmeal. "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked. "Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible noisy people! The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams and screams away into the night!" "Oh, Donald! How ever do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?" "Mother, I do nothing, I just ignore them! I just stay here quietly playing my bagpipes!"
There was a Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped. The Englishman was thinking: "The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead". Claudia Schiffer was thinking "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it". And the Scotsman was thinking: "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English bastard again".
When Wee Hughie moved to London he constantly annoyed his English acquaintances by boasting about how great Scotland was. Finally, in exasperation, one said, "Well, if Scotland's so marvellous, how come you didn't stay there?" "Well," explained Wee Hughie "they're all so clever up there I had to come down here to have any chance of making it at all".
One day Wee Hughie bought a bottle of fine whiskey and while walking home he fell. Getting up he felt something wet on his pants. He looked up at the sky and said "Oh, Lord, please I beg you let it be blood!"
A Scots pessimist is a man who feels badly when he feels good for fear he'll feel worse when he feels better.
There are many theories about the bagpipes, otherwise known as the missing link between music and noise. Some say they were invented by a Scotsman who trod on his cat and liked the noise. Others claim that they are based on the noise made by a dying octopus. The truth is, however, that they were given to the Scots by the Irish as a joke - but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet!
Wee Hughie left his almost full glass of beer on the table to go and relieve himself of the by-products of several earlier pints. Before doing so, he wrote a wee note and left it beside his drink. It read "This pint belongs to the Springburn Heavyweight Boxing Champion." But when he got back, his glass was empty... Added to his note were the words "This drink is now inside the Springburn half-mile running champion."
Sandy and Wee Hughie were out on the moors shooting grouse when Sandy fell to the ground. He didn't seem to breathing and when Wee Hughie raised Sandy's eye-lids his eyes rolled back in his head. In a panic, Wee Hughie took out his cell phone and called the emergency services on 999. When he got through, he gasped to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice said, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead." There was a silence from Wee Hughie for a few moments and then the operator heard a shot. Then Wee Hughie said "OK, now what?"
Wee Hughie was so much troubled with his tooth that he decided to have it extracted. " How much will it cost? " he asked. " £50, " replied the dentist. " Isn't that a lot for only a few minutes work? " asked Wee Hughie. " Well, I can pull it slowly if you like" said the dentist. " Look," said Wee Hughie, " here's £5. Just loosen it a little."