Scottish Jokes

A lady from Glasgow was visiting Edinburgh's Morningside. Her hostess was determined to make the Glaswegian lady feel cheap and unimportant. "My dear," said the Morningside matron snobbishly, "here in the Capital we think breeding is everything." "Oh, really," the lady from Glasgow replied. "In Glasgow we think it's fun, too, but we try to have a few outside interests as well."
A Clan Chiefs offered his daughter as a bride to the son of a neighbouring Chief in exchange for two cows and four sheep. The big swap was to happen on the shore of the stream that separated the two clans. Father and daughter showed up at the arranged time only to find that the groom and his livestock were on the other side of the stream. The father grunted, '' The fool doesn't know which side his bride is bartered on."
A Scotsman went to a pub with his great dane and when he arrived, he tied the dog up outside [ootside] and went in to have a pint o' bitter. A few minutes later, another Scottish bloke walk in and the following conversation ensued:

New man: Is that your dog ootside?
First man: Yes. What of it?
New man: Well, I think my dog may'a killed 'im.
First man: What kind'a dog you got that can kill a great dane?
New man: Well, e's a chihuahua.
First man: Ha! 'ow can a chihuahua kill a great dane?
New man: Well, I think the wee bastard may'a gotten stuck in 'is throat.
A very popular Scotsman dies in Glasgow and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once so she goes to the newspaper and says "I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband" The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?" The old woman replies "J5" to which the man says "You wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok" so the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid, deid" He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. The man then reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale"
Said the Englishman to the boastful Scot: "Take away your mountains, glens and lochs, and what have you got?" "England", replied the Scot.
A Scots pessimist is a man who feels badly when he feels good for fear he'll feel worse when he feels better.
An Englishman was being tried on a charge of being drunk and disorderly. The judge asked him where he had purchased the Whisky. "But I didn't buy it, your Honour," said the Englishman. "A Scotsman gave it to me." "28 days for perjury." replied the judge.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field.

The Englishman says "Look at that fine English cow."
The Irishman disagreed, saying "No, it's an Irish cow."
The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. "No, it's a Scottish cow - it's got bagpipes underneath!"
Nowadays the Scots do not play bagpipes to frighten their enemies, they do it to annoy their neighbours.
What do you call six weeks of rain in Scotland? Summer!
An American was hopelessly lost in the Highlands and wandered about for nearly a week. Finally, on the seventh day he met a kilted inhabitant. "Thank heaven I've met someone," he cried. "I've been lost for the last week." "Is there a reward out for you?" asked the Scotsman. "No," said the American. "Then I'm afraid you're still lost," was the reply.
Report from a Glasgow newspaper: "Two taxis collided last night. Three people were seriously injured. The other seventeen escaped with minor injuries."