Scottish Jokes

An American was going for a job interview in the Scottish countryside and on the way out he asked a local farmer for directions:
“Excuse me, dude, could you possibly tell me the quickest way to London?”
The farmer said: “You driving or walking, lad?”
The American replied: “Driving.”
The farmer nodded, saying:
“Aye, definitely the quickest way”
A Scotsman with a wee tendency to sip the breath of the heather sat down to rest beside a tree on the way home from his pub in the evening. Two young lasses walked by later in the evening and seeing the Scotsman sound asleep got to discussing what it is that Scotsmen wear under their kilts. They decided that there would never be a better time to find out. The one lass took a ribbon from her hair and tied it at a strategic location. The next morning the Scotsman awakened and walked behind a tree to take care of nature. When he looked down he was astounded to see the ribbon. He burst out "Laddie, I dinna know where you were last night, but I'm proud to see that you won the blue ribbon."
Somewhere in Scotland.. A woman is looking to re-enter the work force, now that her kids are all grown up. But before applying anywhere she goes tae the doctors' fae a wee physical before takin' oan a new joab. When she returns her hubby notices she's just bustin' wi' pride and all chuffed.
So he said; "What's all this about?"
She said, "I've just been tae the doctors' and he said I've got the body of a twenty year old, and the heart of a 16 year old".
To which her hubby fired back..."What about your 50 year old ass?" "Your name never came up." She replied.
An elderly Scotsman came to the U.S. to visit his son. While here, he became very sick and was rushed to the hospital. His son asked him, "Father, is there anything you would like to have?" "Aye," replied his father, "I would like to 'ear the music of me 'omeland." So the son went out, rented a bagpiper, took him to the hospital and for several hours played the droaning Scottish music so well known by the elderly Scotsman. Suddenly the old man got up, got dressed, and walked out of the hospital a well man. The only problem was that all of the other patients in the hospital died.
Sandy was drinking at a pub all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see whether that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face. So, being a practical Scot, he crawled all the way home. When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, ye've been oot drinkin' as usual!" "Why would ye say that?" he complained innocently. "Because the pub called an' ye left yer wheelchair there again!"
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands and gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.

Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
A Scotsman is working at a sewerage. It's a warm day, so he takes off his jacket and drapes it over a handrail - where it slips off into a vast tank. He's just about to dive in when his mate shouts
"It's nae guid tae do that, the jacket's ruined"
He replies "Aye, ah ken, but ma sandwiches are in the pocket"
And, on that ages old question of what is under the kilt, some alternatives are...
Confidence;
Nothing is worn under the kilt, it is all in working order;
Shoes and stockings.